This is a LONG read. But I NEED you to read it. ALL OF IT. EVERY WORD. EVERY NOUN. EVERY ADJECTIVE. EVERY VOWEL. ALL OF IT. You need to read it. You need to fully process it and take it in. I need you to fully understand me and I neeeeeeeeeed you to genuinely understand just how INCREDIBLY FUCKING SORRY I AM.
⚠️I NEED to make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. This may sound like a sob story at first but it's me just explaining my background and why I am the woman I am right now. I am not AT ALL saying that just because I went through a whole lotta fuck shit as a kid it justifies and excuses my behavior as an adult. LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR TO YOU.⚠️
⚠️I AM IN NO WAY EXCUSING MY BEHAVIOR. JUST EXPLAINING IT AND WHY. NO EXCUSES EVEN IF MY CHILDHOOD WAS TRAUAMATIC. I DO NOT WANT PITY BECAUSE OF MY PAST. I JUST NEED UNDERSTANDING. NO PITY. ⚠️
I don't even expect you to read all of this and I absolutely do not expect you to respond. But I would hope that you could at least read it. All of it. It is a lot but it's a lot for a reason.
First, let me explain my backstory since it's crucial to explain what happened between us and why I handled it so badly and escalated things. I know you won't care about it because you never cared about me or anything to do with me which is fair because I'm not entitled to your care. I understand that but still, please, I would sincerely appreciate it if you took the time to read all of this.
Daniel, if you ever read this, which I hope you do but idk considering you didn't even want to read my DMs that I sent to you when you sent me your DM (which makes sense because you were officially beyond exhausted of me and wanted me gone and didn't want to read absolutely anything else I had to say) but look, HEAR ME OUT, let me just talk and explain everything. I need to. This is HAUNTING me and has made my life a living hell. I just need you to know that I am IMMENSELY sorry for all of the terror and distress I caused to your life and your family's life. That was NEVER my intention at all. But I took things too far.
I also need to let you know that you are not the first person I've been this obsessed with. I "fell in love" with my psychiatrist. I stalked him too. I found out where lived and left him a love letter. Unfortunately you are the second victim of my disgusting obsession. Also known as "limerence" it was never love. There is a huge difference between actual love and limerence. I've had issues with limerence since I was a kid because I was THAT desperate for love since I didn't receive much of it. My mom gave me a lot of it but she was also very much unaware of a lot of things too. Like the abuse that was happening to me. She was working a lot too as a nurse, 12 hour shifts. It's like she was there in my life but also not there. She was very absent minded.
So I felt very unloved and in turn that made me insanely DESPERATE for any type of love which has landed me in A LOT of bad places throughout my upbringing. I remember being so desperate for love even from my own siblings. I don't remember this happening but my older sister definitely does because she hated it. All of my siblings and I were watching a movie in the living room and it wasn't even a sad movie, just a regular movie and all of sudden I just started bawling my eyes out and saying "nobody loves me!!!" I ran to my parents and said "nobody loves me. they don't love me" and my parents forced each of my siblings to line up one at a time and hug me and tell me that they loved me and my sister HATES expressing any kind of emotion. So she remembered that but oddly enough I do not. But that goes to show you how deeply rooted this "unloved" feeling resides within me and still to this day that feeling is always there. Non stop. Just always lingering at the front of my mind, at the back of my mind, at the sides of my mind. Everywhere. Every part of me. And I absolutely hate that I am this way.
I let my emotions and delusions (and unfortunately drugs) get the better of me but I'm awake now and am planning to get professional help soon. I deactivated my twitter account because I was embarrassed for calling you out yet again (high on Xanax, poor excuse I know but it's the truth. And I should absolutely be nowhere near my phone when I'm high asf on Xanax) and I'm very sorry for being able to find out so many of your social medias even your fucking YouTube channel. I should have applied for the CIA instead of the fucking airport. But I NEED to reach out to you. Give me a chance to speak my truth and I NEED you to READ IT. It is vital.
I REALLY wish I didn't have to make a fucking literal WEBSITE just for this but I needed to find a potentially successful way to get through to you finally. And a lot of the vulnerabilities I'm going to share here I wish I didn't have to share on a public website because it is extremely sensitive for me and everyone can see it but you gave me no choice since you didn't bother to read my DMs to you on twitter after you sent me a DM so this is what I have to unfortunately do. But like I said, let me share my story with you as it explains a lot about my behavior and why I reacted in such intense psychotic ways. Again, I'm EXPLAINING not EXCUSING. Please do not confuse the two.
I don't want to use this as an excuse or to get ANY pity out of you, this is just to explain things so you can understand why I went about things with such INTENSITY. I had an exceptionally traumatic childhood which led me to develop certain mental health issues (BPD & CPTSD). I was abused in all the forms you can think of starting from the age of 4, physically, mentally, and sexually. My first ever suicidal thought was at age 7 (I didn't even know there was a word for it, all I knew is that I wanted to die) and I remember it sooooo vividly even to this day. It was the night before school and I was in bed bawling my eyes out sobbing into my pillow trying not to make any noise and crying out to God asking him why I'm even here on this earth if all I'm being is abused day in and day out and no one to love me. (And I am NOT making any of this shit up either Daniel so don't you even dare think that. Like I said I don't want ANY pity from you so there would be absolutely no reason for me to make any of this shit up. I wish none of this were true that way I wouldn't be such a fucked up woman today.)
All of this made me extremely fucked up and I never got help even when my 2nd grade teacher told my mom I needed help. My mom didn't take it seriously. (This is where her absent mindedness really showed. I do not hate my mom. I love her. She is my favorite person in the entire world but man, she absolutely fucked up a lot too. She knew I needed help. Everyone says I was literally erratic and constantly doing bad things.) I try not to think about this part especially because it fills me with unfathomable rage because I think about how much different and healthier I'd be right now if only my mom had taken it seriously and had gotten me help THAT early. I truly believe none of this would have happened and you most definitely wouldn't have threatened a restraining order on me because I wouldn't even have asked you out.
But look at me now, all of that unresolved trauma leaked out onto everything and everyone and fucked everything up. I was called crazy and too sensitive growing up all the damn time and constantly compared to my actual psychotic Aunt by my own siblings which hurt me to the core and they didn't even want to be around me due to my erratic moods. That's how bad it all was. I didn't have an escape because I was being abused at home AND at school. Unfortunately I ended up abusing my little brother which I have apologized to him sincerely for. Abuse is a viscous cycle and I was a little kid so I had to take my anger and sadness out on someone and unfortunately it was my little brother. I also tried to escape through art, I drew A LOT and I escaped through imagination and through movies. I disassociated every time I was being abused so I'd go inside of my brain and live there for extended amounts of time and create the most beautiful scenarios in my head where I was the most loved person on the planet.
Again, I'm not saying any of this to excuse ANY of my behavior to you and your family but rather to explain WHY. And I do not want ANY pity either. It is up to me now as a grown woman to fix what others broke and that royally pisses me the fuck off because I have to pay for it LITERALLY. Therapy ain't cheap. Seeing a psychiatrist ain't cheap. My trauma has set me back DECADES. My brain is unfortunately very underdeveloped due to exposure of really fucked up things as a kid and hard drug use as a teen. I wish none of that ever happened to me and I used drugs and other unfortunate things to cope and escape the trauma. I don't like being in my brain. I hate it.
So unfortunately I did a lot of drugs in high school. Not just the "innocent" ones like weed. I never liked weed. It made me too paranoid. I only had 3 absolutely beautiful euphoric experiences from it out of the countless times I tried it because everyone always raaaaaaved about it like it was the holy Grail of all drugs 🙄 I ended up doing the very bad ones that seriously fucked up my brain even more since I was still developing. I was extremely reckless and almost died several times because of my stupidity. I even dropped out freshman year due to something I really don't want to say here but went back a year later and ended up graduating in 2018 when I was supposed to graduate in 2017 so I was beyond ashamed of myself and filled with pure anger because I didn't get to graduate with my original classmates. And you don't even want to know how my parents reacted to all of this.
At first I was 101% the victim at the airport, I really was. You know what you did and you knew it was terribly wrong. I STILL don't understand why you chose to reject me in such an unnecessary way when it could have been so simple with you saying "sorry I'm seeing someone" then I would have let it be. Literally that would have been it. Even when you "took my number down" I made sure to tell you "you don't have to if you don't want to" yet you still did? Why? Most likely am ego boost idk???. You ended up becoming a professional liar to me anyways by lying to me all the damn time so it doesn't make any kind of sense as to why you couldn't have lied to me the very first time I approached you and asked you out. I guess I'll never know why.
And supposedly you get hit on a lot, that's what you told me, so it was very very odd that you handled me asking you out so very terribly. It just doesn't make any sense because men who actually do have experience with women and get hit on a lot would NEVER do what you did because they're used to the attention and how to handle women. I'm still trying to make sense of things but I should stop (and I've been trying to stop but I cant. I keep ruminating on it and I'm genuinely going insane) because I'm only driving myself insane. And unfortunately I started to consume large amounts of vodka and benzos before work and during work. I remember blacking out one day at work and buying a 300 dollar pair of Ray Bans from one of the kiosks. I have absolutely no recollection of that, I only found out about that because of my bank statement. I'm surprised I was never reported because you can clearly tell when someone is fucked up on benzos. And who knows what the fuck else I did when I was blacked out.
But I did all of this to cope with the humiliation of being rejected in the way you rejected me and being made fun of by your mates (trust me, I KNOW they made fun of me. I know. And you cannot gaslight me into saying they did not. I have YEARSSSSSS of experience with being made fun of, I ABSOLUTELY know what that feels and looks like and I absolutely hated how much you were gaslighting me that second night I went to your house to confront you about it. I hated that you treated me like some kind of daft idiot who could be easily fooled.) Also, I reached out to your parents and acted like a complete psycho because I was CONVINCED you made fun of me with your mates in baggage claim since my friend told me her cousin who works with you heard you talking mad disrespectful about me weeks after I quit.
And now tell me, why on earth would they lie to me about that? They would have ABSOLUTELY no reason to. But you? You'd have EVERY reason to lie to me and say "I didn't make fun of you!!!!" You have a literal track record of constantly lying to me. So who should I believe? My friend and her cousin who would have absolutely no reason to lie to me about such a thing or a pathological liar? Hmmm? My gut is STILL telling me you absolutely did make fun of me. I know you did. My friend also purposely kept stepping on your feet in the main office because of that what you did to me. Remember her? Remember that? Remember your feet being "accidentally stomped on"? I wish I could have told you all of this that second night I went to your house but I felt so rushed because you kept saying you're tired and want to go inside and I was so nervous I forgot to say lot of important details and ask you crucial questions. I would have LOOOOVED to have seen your reactions to all of this. So I could see you freeze because you've been caught in your lies yet again.
"And you really have to think to yourself, you as a woman, who has done nothing but try to trash my name over the last year, really wanted a kiss from yours truly? And you just thought that I’d be okay with that??? After you’ve done nothing but besmirch my name? Sorry but that’s not attractive and we’re not in middle school for you to be busting up these type of tactics." Again, I was trying to "trash" your name because I genuinely thought (and absolutely still believe) you made fun of me. And not just that but had the audacity to make fun of me WHEN I WAS NO LONGER WORKING AT THE AIRPORT AND WEEKS AFTER I QUIT STILL TALKING AND LAUGHING ABOUT ME WITH YOUR BAGGAGE BITCHES. THAT IS WHY.
And me having a very unfortunate and loooooong history with being bullied and laughed at, I respond to that type of stuff immediately and with very very very strong emotion. Being made fun of by MEN? That's pathetic. It actually goes wayyyyyyy beyond pathetic to the point where there is no word for it. I haven't been made fun of by boys since elementary school. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. LITTLE BOYS NOT MEN. LITTLE BOYS. And supposedly you guys are grown men with jobs making fun of a severely traumatized woman????? Seriously?? Yet you have the fucking gall to say this shit to me? Really? Saying I "besmirched" your name? How so? Do you really think I have THAT much influence where my "besmirching" would actually affect you somehow? I only ever talked to your parents and tried to expose who their son really is. And all that Twitter bullshit? You legitimately think anyone truly paid attention to my tweets or actually even cared????? Absolutely not. And most of my tweets directed towards you weren't severe AT ALL in comparison to what happened in that airport and you know it.
You talking to me about "busting up middle school tactics" is way too funny. That was hypocritical of you ESPECIALLY since you just love to run and hide and tell your mom bullshit and avoid confrontation and not genuinely own up to your mistakes and have to pathologically lie. Now THAT'S middle school. What you and your boys did. MIDDLE SCHOOL. You are SERIOUSLY making it ASTRONOMICALLY difficult for me to GENUINELY apologize to you and feel bad but I realize that I am not the only victim here at all because you became the victim as soon as I found out where you lived and invaded your personal privacy. Now that's where I actually can easily apologize because that is deplorable behavior.
But the bullying part? Still EXTREMELY suspicious and iffy. Like I said, my friend said her cousin who literally works with you in baggage claim told my friend "he was talking mad disrespectful about her with some of the guys" I did not want to believe that AT ALL when I received that call from my friend telling me all of this. I didn't want to believe it. I said "are you absolutely 101% positive it was Daniel making fun of me? What if your cousin confused him with someone else????" My brain was literally trying its hardest to protect me from further trauma by telling me "No it can't be Daniel. No he wouldn't. They must be confused. It has to be some other guy that maybe looks a lot like Daniel. Yeah that has to be it." But my friend said "My cousin said it's Daniel the tall guy, the lead for baggage claim, yeah him, he was making fun of you with some guys still and they were talking mad disrespectful about you and my cousin didn't want to hear it or be involved in the drama" wayyyyy too specific for it to be fake, don't you think?
Also again, WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS???? WHY? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I KEEP TRYING MY HARDEST TO DEFY LOGIC AND REALITY AND SIDE WITH YOU AND BELIEVE IN YOU AND YOUR MOM WHEN YOU BOTH SAID THAT YOU DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME. But then I have to realize of course she'd defend her son, her prince, he would and could just as easily lie to her like he did to me all of those countless times and she'd instantly believe him, her precious first born son. She didn't even want to believe that you were ever rude to me when I told her you were. She told me, "No, l do not believe this! Daniel must be respectful to his coworkers!" Yeah, key word, MUST BE. That doesn't automatically mean that you actually are and will be. And then she also said "if Daniel was rude to you then karma exists, everything comes back." SO PART OF HER, MAYBE SOMETHING DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF HER KNOWS, ABSOLUTELY KNOWS HER SON IS MORE THAN CAPABLE AND HAS A HISTORY OF BEING A PIECE OF SHIT BULLY but she's too prideful and protective of her son even if he actually did make fun of a woman.
She wouldn't ever want to admit that because then it would make her look bad and flawed in return and she wants to keep up the "perfect image" It actually aligns with that strict household upbringing you talked to me about, she wouldn't ever want any member of her family to appear flawed or be known as a man who bullied a fucking woman behind her back. That's like worse than death to someone who is obsessed with image and perfection. Imagine "yes my son is a coward who makes fun of a woman behind her back like a sissy little bitch" No mother would EVER want to admit that so she'd rather side with her son even though deep down she knows he is in the wrong and deep down she knows what he did.
You actually have a HISTORY with being an insufferable dick. One of my other friends you said you were rude to her when she was sitting in your seat in the office and you told her to get up without even saying please or asking kindly. You just immediately told her to get up. Then another coworker said you walk around like you own the place. So that fake superiority complex is actually noticed by others and they can actually see that you're compensating for something and it is absolutely NOT genuine confidence, everybody can see that fake shit.
Also my friend Tony who is in the union said that one of your coworkers asked you for help specifically and you hardly helped him and then he complained to you and you told him "go to the office and cry about it." I could absolutely 191% see you doing that. Absolutely. No question about it. So is this what your parents raised? A piece of fucking steaming horse shit who treats others like they are beneath him and acts superior but really actually feels insanely inferior?????? Really? Are you proud of yourself for the way that you treat others, Daniel? Now if I was just hearing this shit from only ONE person then I wouldn't believe it and I'd absolutely think they're trying to trash your name for some reason BUT I'm hearing about your shitty behavior from MULTIPLE people. It's just too many people for it to be false. Don't you think, Daniel???
You literally have a track record. If you're capable of all of that shit you're definitely more than capable of making fun of me behind my back like those little girls did to me back in elementary school. How does it feel to be compared to a little girl in elementary school when you're a grown ass man? Not so good. Right. At least I'd have more respect for you if you owned up to your shit LIKE A MAN and told me you did make fun of me and that you're genuinely sorry. But no. You run and hide and deflect and lie and gaslight. Having the audacity to try and make me feel fucking crazy telling me "how do you even know they were making fun of you??? 🤪" Typical Daniel behavior. Typical bully behavior. Typical gaslighting that a narcissist/bully would say to try and make the victim question their own sanity. At least your mom admitted that you aren't mature. So that also aligns with your little school boy mentality of treating others like shit and acting like a big dog when in reality you feel like a fucking Chihuahua.
I'm REALLY trying to feel genuinely sorry and trying my best to just focus on how awful it was that I went to your house 3 times but I CANNOT get that gnawing aching fucking clawing feeling out from inside of me that you REALLY ACTUALLY DID MAKE FUN OF ME. It's too painfully obvious and one of the other reasons I know it's true is because my brain keeps trying to protect me and feed me delusions. "No he would never sink that low and do that even though there are genuinely worrying loads of comments from multiple different people about him being a piece of shit. No he would never do that to you. You got confirmation from him and his mom." 😐 It's just TOO MUCH for it NOT to be true. I mean come on Daniel. And really after alllllll of that I STILL wanted you and was obsessed. I truly am a fucking masochist. This is what happens when you have absolutely no self love or respect for yourself. I am disgusted with myself for STILL wanting a literal bullying piece of shit.
I literally only ever heard ONE good thing about you. Just ONE. Out of multiple bad ones from different people. That speaks VOLUMES. Don't you think???????? DANIEL I WANT TO BELIEVE YOU BUT MY GUT AND LITERAL EVIDENCE FROM MULTIPLE PEOPLE IS TELLING ME NOT TO. IT'S JUST TOO INTENSE AND PIERCING TO AVOID AND PRETEND ‼️‼️‼️‼️
Oh and you actually follow Andrew Taint....? That's just nasty. That is so gross. He feeds the minds of broken vulnerable weak incels and they fall for it every time. I expected more of you and I certainly did not expect you to be following him but I guess if the shoe fits..... It's more disappointing to see that than to see you follow half naked women because that's expected but Andrew Taint? Come on. No no no no no absolutely not the right man to follow or take advice from.
I would highly recommend you watch Jordan Peterson instead, he's a much better healthier advocate and leader for young men and doesn't poison their minds with the whole "alpha male" mentality. He basically changed my little brother's life in the best way possible and made him into a very strong man who faces things head on and respects everyone. My brother's confidence skyrocketed once he really started getting into Jordan Peterson's videos. It was an insane night and day difference, of course it took time but that's the price for GENUINE confidence and love for yourself.
Going back to how it was when I was working....
I would break down basically every single day at work, in private of course, bawling my eyes out in the bathroom stalls. I remember this one time when I was crying out to God literally losing it and banging on the bathroom stalls and praying to God "PLEASE SHOW ME YOU'RE REAL SEND ME A SIGN. ANYTHING. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE SEND ME A FUCKING SIGN. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE" And I shit you not as soon as I got out of the stalls, there were NUNS at the sink, literal NUNS. I couldn't believe it. I STILL can't believe it. God actually heard me this time. Out of allllllll the countless other times I cried out for him he actually listened this time. I went to the sinks and they were talking amongst each other and I said hi and they said hi back and asked me how I was doing and I immediately broke down and they immediately consoled me and prayed with me and even gave me the most beautiful rosary not cheap material at all and I still have it and cherish it to this day.
One of the Nuns even gave me her number lmao I have a Nun in my contacts! Who else could say that?? I managed to get a Nuns number but not yours 🤣 LMAO 😭 that still makes me laugh every time I think about it. I'm beyond blessed that even happened to me. Those Nuns could have been literally anywhere else in that big ass airport but they happened to be there at the terminal 5 restroom at the perfect timing when I was breaking down over you. What are the odds? And they told me they were just coming to pick up another Nun and they're not even from Chicago. This was truly an insane experience. I'm still in shock over that.
I was absolutely humbled by that experience and it did give me hope and that's when I started believing in God. I was raised Catholic and did the whole communion and CCD thing but never truly believed him especially when I was going through all of that abuse and suffering, I thought to myself what kind of God would allow this?? And whenever I saw you walking around I'd get triggered immediately. I'm not trying to blame you for me stepping back into my old habits because I did that on my own, you didn't force the pills and booze down my throat but you absolutely 101% lit the match & threw it.
I made such a damn fool out of myself at that airport. I physically cringe thinking about it all. I did hate you for a while there. I'll admit, I absolutely did. I hated you because all of this was UTTERLY preventable and I hated you because you acted so cold and dismissive towards me and never gave me a chance to talk to you one on one whenever I kindly asked you and you said "absolutely not" with such a cocky condescending arrogant voice. That made me despise you. You having the audacity to act this way and treat me like a pest; a vermin after fucking me up when you didn't need to. Yeah I absolutely hated you, I'll admit. But I don't hate you anymore. All I ever wanted was for you to listen to me. That's it. I wanted you to tell your boys to STOP looking at me and whispering and laughing at me like a bunch of little school girls. I'm not fucking blind or retarded, I quite literally saw them do that yet you kept insisting to me that they never did that. Gaslighting 101. Unfortunately I know allllllllll about gaslighting due to my narcissistic piece of shit father who denies denies denies and denies he ever abused me 🙃
But then again you are a pathological liar. Lies lies lies lies. That second night I went to your house to confront you, all you told me were lies lies lies lies. Anything to get me the fuck out of your driveway and away from your house. Even that dramatic and "passion filled voice" when you said "You're SO beautiful" and even going as far as to mention my outfit from the other day. Yeah, that was overkill, Daniel but nice try. You were wayyyyyyy too dramatic that night which is a clear indicator of you lying just to get me to fuck off. That was a PITY compliment; a de-escalation compliment. I'M NOT STUPID. I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU NOW. I'M WIDE AWAKE NOW. NOT BLINDED BY MY DELUSIONS ANYMORE‼️‼️‼️
You told me at the airport "you're pretty but not my type" and then all of a sudden I'm SO beautiful to you and I can do much better than you? Lmaooo inconsistency, also a huge indicator of a lie. You were basically dramatizing everything that night to get me away from you and to get me to stop wanting you but it didn't work. Another sign that "you're SO beautiful" compliment was a lie was when I asked if I can kiss your lips and you said no and then I said "but you said I was beautiful..." And you just stared at me and said nothing and were completely frozen most likely thinking "fuck I oversold it. I didn't actually mean it. Fuck. I can't tell her that. She'll go crazy. I can't have things escalate. Better stay silent"
Yup I know. I found out. I finally woke up and faced the cold hard truth. I didn't want to believe at all that you lied about that because I ALWAYS wanted you to find me beautiful but now I know it's a lie, it was always a lie, a manipulation tactic. You did fool me there for a while and my gut kept telling me "he's lying" but I didn't want to face the reality because it killed me. And now that I'm REALLY thinking about it, literally any 24 year old guy with a pulse would ABSOLUTELY fucking kiss a woman they found SO beautiful even with "stinky breath" they wouldn't give childish excuses, they'd fucking JUMP at the chance to be able to kiss a gorgeous woman so this shit ain't adding up. So yeah you lied to me. Yet again. I dissected every word and mannerisms from you that night since and found out everything you said to me was a fucking lie. You clearly also need professional help for how much you lie. That isn't normal. You're a pathological liar and a possible narcissist. I seriously don't know what's real and what's not with you and it absolutely did my head in so much to the point where I didn't sleep or eat for days because it was all I could think about. Also you have EXTREMELY dead eyes. I noticed that even back at the airport. I always found it very odd and telling. But even then I still wanted you.
But now it's time for me to admit and own up to my fuck ups, later you ended up becoming the victim and me the creepy stalker who crossed boundaries even when you explicitly told me "never come back here again" not just once but TWICE and I completely disrespected that and ignored that. I regret it SO fucking much, it legit keeps me up at night. I wish I could apologize to you in person but I know that I am the last person you'll ever want to see again for the rest of your life. I also wish I could apologize to your mom (she seems like a very beautiful lady inside and out and an extremely hard worker especially coming from communist Romania under the ruling of that piece of shit Nicolae Ceaușescu and then coming to America and having to learn the English language and having to learn the American ways which is exceptionally hard and for that I have immense respect for her and I am DEEPLY hurt for hurting her and your family) for making her worry about her son's safety but I was NEVER going to do anything fucked up to you or your family. Never.
I'm not like my psycho ex best friend who was actually going to fucking murder me two months ago and it's all because I didn't want him back. (I am not AT ALL diminishing or undermining the severity of what I did to you by comparing what he did to me vs what I did to you, I know what I did to you is STILL tremendously bad, please know that.) And I made it VERY CLEAR from the get go that I didn't want him. I NEVER led him on or gave him mixed signals or false hope. But even when I very clearly said "no I do not want you" he still thought we were in love wtf????? So then I had to go to extremes and "come out as a lesbian" to him and told him I had a girlfriend. That STILL didn't stop him. FUCK. And to this day he STILL keeps texting me. And saying he wants to take me to my "favorite spots" bitch wtf this cunt literally wanted to murder me and shoot me in between my fake eyes (in his own words) I had to deescalate the situation in our Instagram DMs and lie to him and I told him I'm dying anyways due to my uncontrolled diabetes so there would be no point in him coming to my house to murder me. That fooled him for a while....
Then he completely switched personalities and said "baby no please don't die!! You don't deserve to die this way! Let me put you on my insurance. I'm in love with you so much!!! Don't die!!!!!" That absolutely pissed me off because he literally just told me moments before that he wanted to murder me and watch my family suffer and then laugh about it. He bought that diabetes lie for a while but now he's onto me again.... And it's only a matter of time. I'm paranoid daily because not only can he kill me but my family too. And I'd much rather him just kill me. I had to go to the police station numerous times and report him and they still don't do JACK SHIT!!!! They won't do anything until I'm literally fucking dead, lying in a pile of my own blood. Unfortunately that's usually how it goes.
The justice system is complete bullshit and often fails to protect their people from dangerous psychos making literal threats to murder me. They did tell me they could send detectives to investigate him but I didn't want to do that at all because then he'd know I wasn't "dying" and then he'd go into one of his manic episodes again and then actually go and kill me. I even made sure to ask the cops "if you send your detectives do you promise me that you'll arrest him????" CAN YOU PROMISE ME THAT?" Otherwise that would absolutely set him off because then he'd know I reported him to the cops and the cops told me no they couldn't promise me that at all so then I just abandoned the whole thing.
Going back to you again, I just wanted to be loved and I was so disgustingly obsessed (again this goes back to my childhood where I was DESPERATE for any type of love and attention so unfortunately I developed BPD due to the trauma and possibly genetics too honestly and since I didn't get professional help as a kid, my mental issues just kept getting worse and worse with age) with you and I really wanted it to be you but it was never meant to be. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish I never laid my stupid eyes on you at that airport. I know you hate me and trust me I hate me too, even way more than you do. I know I need mental help and I'm going to get it. I want to change. What I did was foul and I disappointed not only myself but my family too. They didn't even want to believe that I did all of that. I really hope that you can forgive me someday.
You'll always be my vierme, unfortunately seared into my mind till the end of time and I wish that wasn't the case because I know you hate that and you're extremely uncomfortable with it especially with me still referring to you as MY vierme because you don't want to be MY anything (and there's nothing wrong with that, I'm not entitled to be your anything) but I can't help it, you are a Vierme and not just any Vierme, THE Vierme, MY vierme, the squishiest Vierme of all Viermes but I know now that I can never have you and will never have you and that's just something I'm gonna have to deal with no matter how painful it is and trust me, it's been pure anguish for me. Absolute torture. I'd rather be fucking shot, TWICE than to have gone through this whoooooooole fucked up mess that left me supremely and remarkably traumatized especially with having BPD, any type of rejection in general can feel like literal death but the type rejection you did to me absolutely traumatized me to my very core. I've been rejected before but in normal respectful ways where I wasn't led on and I was ok, I let it go. But you... You really really really fucked me up. And I absolutely believe you will NEVER truly understand or begin to fathom the severity of it and what it did to me and my whole life and it's unfortunate.
But yeah I hope that you read all of this through and through and know I am genuinely so sincerely sorry for absolutely everything. Please tell your family I'm so sorry too. I need them to know that. And I promise NEVER to go back to your house ever again so please don't be worried about that or stressing about that anymore and I also promise not to bother you on any of your socials anymore. This is the last time. I just needed to get this off my chest as it's been suffocating me and I can't take it anymore. Also, I have to admit, you dodged a flaming hot bullet. Me. You were smart to reject me. It's like your subconscious knew I was trouble. As much as it hurts to admit that. It's true.
P.S.
I hope that I am the very FIRST and LAST woman you EVER do this to. I would hate for any other person to go through what I went through and what I'm still going through due to this whole traumatizing situation that keeps me up for nights and I can't even eat without feeling sick. I would hate for any other woman to feel this way and go through this. I know you didn't want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me and that's why you led me on and that also doesn't make any sense because leading someone on is a slow killer and absolutely brutal and beyond humiliating but there are respectful ways to reject someone upright that I thought you at your grown age would know by now but you didn't which is odd. Your mom was right. I need someone more mature than Dany.
P.P.S
I also did not appreciate your sarcasm and condescending know it all tone (all that ridiculous Xan talk like I didn't know anything about "the Xan realm 🤪"when I've been doing it for far longer than you ever did, and no I'm not boasting about that, nor am I proud of it. I just hate how you were talking to me like I'm an inexperienced little girl and you were this wise man whose been through it all) in the DM you sent me. Extremely arrogant. And seriously saying just smoke pot??? What in the fuck kind of advice is that? Your mind is much more warped than I ever thought. And really... "if you can’t bring yourself to get high on a daily basis then maybe that’s just a sign that drugs aren’t for you." Wtf????? No seriously. What in the actual fuck? What kind of drugs are for anyone? Lmao drugs are drugs and are not meant for anyone because it destroys lives. Were you actively high or drunk while typing that wickedly ridiculous shit???? I'm pretty sure you might be a narcissist or at least have some qualities of it and tbh you kinda do because you remind me of my father in some ways and he's a certified narcissist. "Yours truly" still bugs the fuck out of me. But I will admit I deserved it to SOME EXTENT. Especially since I made fun of that one picture of you as a kid posing in an awkward pose and commenting "lmao" that was a low blow and I am very ashamed of that also I was high asf on benzos. Surprise! Again not an excuse just an explanation. I can be a total bitch on benzos. So I'm very sorry I made fun of you especially since I know what that feels like.
Thanks for the lesson, Daniel. 🪱🇷🇴🗿
-A
By the way. This is proof that my ex psycho best friend was going to murder me since you didn't believe me and thought I was using it as an "excuse" for you not to take things further. And no, I did not enable him. I don't even know what the fuck you meant by that but that was EXTREMELY tone deaf and deeply insensitive as fuck of you to say to me ESPECIALLY since he caused me UNEXPLAINABLE trauma and more than you ever did and that's saying something, Daniel. So my apology to you is real but you absolutely broke me and I still feel pissed off because I just know, I just fucking know, deep down inside you were NEVER THIS sorry for what you did to me as I am sorry for what I did to you.
Part of you doesn't actually deserve this apology AND YOU KNOW IT but I'm mature enough to finally own up to my fuck ups and also I never once lied to you about anything the way you lied to me about everything. And I pride myself on that A LOT because I'm as honest and as real as a person can get. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I don't hide and run away like you do so yes I am very proud of myself when it comes to that at least. You really are a piece of shit. That's the only true thing you ever told me. I'm trying my hardest to sympathize with you especially since you told me you grew up in a very strict household and that alone comes with its own set of traumas but man... Your personality, the way you are, the way you behave and go about things, your fake superiority complex makes it SUPREMELY difficult for me to genuinely want to apologize to you and feel sympathy/empathy for you but I want to anyways because I understand in some ways.
My ex psycho best friend literally blamed me for him getting HIV. And it was because this one time I was fed up with his bullshit and him constantly being a psycho to me and I said "you're ugly inside AND out. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to you whatsoever yet you think you can treat me this way?" And he got insanely offended and even cried. The countless fucking times he said the most heinous shit to me and about me, the most offensive shit you can think of but I retaliate once and HE can't accept that?? So then he told me he went out one night after that and dressed up all pretty so he can feel better about himself because I called him ugly and that really affected him 🙄 and he fucked a guy without a condom and that guy was infected but didn't tell him.
So he blamed it on me and that's what made him want to officially murder me and he felt he had absolutely nothing to lose anymore. Also he felt extreme anger because I never wanted him the way he wanted me and it was all that built up rage from our friendship and him wanting things to escalate and him knowing he can never have me so basically the "if I can't have you then no one can" pathetic mentality mixed in with him blaming me for him getting HIV even though he's a literal grown ass 35 year old man who can make his own decisions and his dumbass decided to fuck without condoms because he "wanted to feel pretty" after I "hurt him" he is absolutely the worst person I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. I truly believe he is Satan himself. And of course he haaaaaad to choose me out of literally everyone else on this entire fucking planet to become dangerously obsessed with. I honestly don't think I'll ever escape him unless he gets locked up or dies or moves away but he's STILL obsessed with me. And I can't move away. I can't do shit. I'm basically in a prison.
So for you to have said I "enabled him" wow just wow. Incredibly disgusting of you to say. To take his side immediately like that without knowing shit? You really hate me THAT much? You really find me THAT repulsive that you're willing to take a complete psycho strangers side without knowing anything????? Unbelievable. That's even lower than any of the bullying I did to you on twitter. But you'll never apologize for this. I know you already. You'll just ignore and brush it under your filthy fucking termite infested rug.
Oh and when you told me, "I’ve been put through severe discipline for my whole life in order to avoid letting people like you into my life." ....That genuinely fucked me up because it made me feel defective and like a complete monster. Which I know I'm not. I just have extremely strong emotions and I let them absolutely consume me and control me but I know I'm not genuinely crazy because I've questioned myself many times before and genuinely crazy people never question if they're crazy, they think everyone else is and that they're absolutely normal. So "people like you" wow brutal but hey at least you're finally telling the truth so that's something at least but fuck man. That line severely cut me, it made me feel alien and basically confirmed all of things everybody has ever said about me throughout my whole life but at least you are being fucking honest so I can't even be pissed off about that line.
"You going through who I follow was actually hilarious, would you have rather I been following just men so that you could make potential gay digs at me? Lmao" That is absolutely NOT the reason why I went through your following. To make "potential gay digs at you" I was excruciatingly envious that you follow pretty sometimes half naked women but then I have to bring myself to reality and realize you're a 24 year old dude AND you're not mines, you were never mine, you will never be mine and I don't have the right to get THAT insanely jealous. Like that second night I went to your house & you told me you get hit on from time to time. I hated hearing that. Absolutely fucking hated it. I didn't want to hear that answer. I didn't want to even imagine it. So no Daniel, I wasn't going to make fun of you for "being gay" if you were just following men. I honestly would prefer if you were just following men but like I said, you're a 24 year old dude, that pretty much says it all.
"I remember you tried to bring up that point during your last day at the airport while also asking if I’m autistic." I genuinely don't remember this but I'm not surprised at all especially if I was barred out. Again, not an excuse but rather an explanation. Either way that's fucked up and I do apologize for that. I guess my brain just couldn't fathom how you could not handle a woman asking you out so terribly and I associated that with autism due to poor social skills and chronic avoidance, I mean it's a solid ask but also still shitty. 🤷🏻♀️
But yeah here's the proof my ex psycho best friend was going to murder me:
